(via piecomic)
New comic of mine. What is Erwin Schrodinger’s deal with cats? Is it because his parents named him “Erwin?”
(via bleu-belle)
(Source: peaceloveandmonster, via bleu-belle)
“dude i’m gonna get my weed insured and then i’ll be like ‘oh no all my weed burned up’ and then they’ll have to buy me more weed”
(via bleu-belle)
Joseph Kony
Joseph Tony
Joseph Ony
Josepe Ony
Josee Pony
Jose Pony
Gose Pony
Goose Pony
Goore Pony
Geore Pony
George Pony
George Posy
George Posh
George Push
George Bush
Coincidence?
oh my god
a parody of beyonce’s “if i were a boy” about what it is like to be a bird
if i were a bird
even just for a day
i’d get out of bed every morning, and realize i’m a fuckin’ bird
i’d have my own wings
i would be very cool
i would eat lots of small insects such as ladybugs and beetles, and butterflies and aphids and bees
if i were a bird
i wouldn’t have to pay taxes
i’d fly up to the tax company, and tell them i’m a fuckin’ bird
i’d have no regrets
because i would be a bird
i do not think birds have the capacity to feel emotions, like sadness or regret or ennui
if i were a bird
i could fly anywhere
i could fly to costa rica, that’s an example of a place i could go
but that’s very far
i don’t know how far birds fly
maybe if i was a bird i’d have to give myself a limit, or else I’d get too tired and die
if i were a bird
i think i could understand
how it feels to be a bird; i think i’d be a really good bird
i would be a bird
that would be pretty cool
i could fit into small spaces like a hole inside a tree trunk, or a birdhouse made out of a dried gourd
you’re a little cute animal with two feet
you have two very fragile wings and a beak
if you thought you could beat me up, you thought wrong
but you’re just a bird
you don’t understand
all the words that i am saying because you are just a little bird
you can’t even talk
because you have a small brain
and most of its capacity is taken up by processes required for sustaining flight
yeah you’re just a bird
- Me: God, can I ask You a question?
- God: Sure.
- Me: Promise You won't get mad.
- God: I promise.
- Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?
- God: What do you mean?
- Me: Well, I woke up late.
- God: Yes.
- Me: My car took forever to start.
- God: Okay.
- Me: At lunch they made my sandwich wrong and I had to wait.
- God: Huummm.
- Me: On the way home, my phone went dead, just as I picked up a call.
- God: All right.
- Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home, I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager and relax, but it wouldn't work! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?
- God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning and I had to send one of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that.
- Me: (humbled) Oh.
- God: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.
- Me: (ashamed)
- God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick and I didn't want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.
- Me: (embarrassed) Okay.
- God: Your phone went dead because the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered.
- Me: (softly) I see, God.
- God: Oh and that foot massager, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.
- Me: I'm sorry, God.
- God: Don't be sorry, just learn to trust me in all things, the good and the bad.
- Me: I will trust You.
- God: And don't doubt that My plan for your day is always better than your plan.
- Me: I won't, God. And let me just tell you, God, thank you for everything today.
- God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I Love looking after My Children.
- Me: Hey, God? I've got a few follow-up questions for you.
- God: Any time.
- Me: What about really evil stuff? You know, like rape, and genocide, and slavery. Is all that suffering also part of your master plan?
- God: My son, haven't you heard? I can not eliminate all the evils man creates on Earth, this would infringe on your precious gift of free will!
- Me: So then what about natural evil? Earthquakes in Haiti. Tsunamis in Japan. Hurricanes in New Orleans. No free will involved, what's stopping you from preventing these?
- God: (embarrassed) Errr... well... the thing is... that you have to understand... I work in very mysterious ways, all right?
- Me: Cancer? Really, we could have done without that. And that parasitic worm you made - the one that can only reproduce in humans, and makes us go blind? That was a total dick move.
- God: (becoming agitated) Just trust me, I have a plan! Don't make me send you Hell...
- Me: You're a real asshole, God.
- God: SILENCE, BLASPHEMER
(Source: shitshilarious, via liamdryden)
Anybody lose their secret CIA shit?
“I just thought you might be concerned… about the security… of your shit.”
(via s1utever)
Today, I had three hours to wait around school between classes.
Still managed to get there late.
Okay.
You were in school today? Why weren’t you in the library?
Because I fell asleep in the sixth form block.
Fair ‘nuff.
Today, I had three hours to wait around school between classes.
Still managed to get there late.
Okay.
You were in school today? Why weren’t you in the library?
"I’m not homophobic, but [something homophobic here]."
— Every goddamn homophobe in the last decade (via bleu-belle)
